Pie in the sky

By Steve Galea

On Sunday, Jenn and I decided to have some pie for dessert.
“Ah, there’s nothing like a nice piece of pie and some intelligent conversation,” Jenn said.
I took that as my cue.
“You know, pies sure have come a long way since I was a kid,” I began.
“At least we have a nice piece of pie,” she sighed.
“The interesting this is when I was a kid, rich people didn’t eat pies.”
Jenn then sighed, as she often does, when she wants me to educate her further.
“It’s true,” I said. “Back then, rich people only used pies for settling their disputes.”
“I find that hard to believe,” she said. And then sighed some more.
It was true though, unless you happen to be one of those whack job conspiracy theorists who believe the Three Stooges just made things up.
Heck, the Stooges actually did several exposés about this.
And what they taught us was that pie fights routinely break out at swanky soirees where snooty, rich people wear tuxedos and tails, ballroom gowns, top hats and monocles. The more monocles in fact, the more likely the pie fight.
It’s probably a scientific fact.
In their documentaries, you never actually saw rich people eat pies, even though their banquet tables were packed with them, and several waiters were often pushing pie-laden trolleys throughout the venue, which turned out to be convenient once the pie fight started. Interestingly, not one of those pies was sliced, which leads me to believe that a pie fight was exactly what they had in mind.
Yes, if the Stooges taught us anything – and, believe me, they did – it is that the rich people back then enjoyed nothing better than a good pie fight.
Typically, someone would insult another person and then get a pie in the face. Then the insulter, who now had a pie covered face, would pick up a pie from one of the aforementioned trolleys, and try to hit the original pie-thrower in the face. Of course, that person would duck and the guy behind him would get it. (Usually right in the monocle.) He then, would wipe pie off his face and pick up another pie and throw it across the room at the person who pied him. That person, almost without fail, would duck, and the pie would hit a snooty middle-aged woman wearing pearls, opera glasses and a ballroom gown. Well, that woman, who had never been so insulted, would then pick up two pies and then things got out of hand from that point on. Before you knew it, pies would be flying all over the place and even the guy that was laughing because he ducked a pie, which hit the woman behind him, would get plastered with a pie mid-laugh. Eventually, the head butler would get in the middle of the room and yell at everyone to stop. And then, after a pause, would get hit with half a dozen pies or more.
“Yup,” I concluded, after explaining this to Jenn, “those rich people back then sure knew how to have a good time.”
“That’s your idea of a good time?” Jenn asked.
“It’s on my bucket list,” I admitted.
Jenn looked at me and then said, “You do know the Three Stooges were fictional characters, right?”
She probably thinks they faked the moon landing too…